How To Handle Toddler Tantrums And Still Stay Sane

If you’re looking to handle toddler tantrums, stay sane (kinda) and stay gentle, you’re in the right place.

Okay, we all know the reality of toddler tantrums, especially when they’ve just surfaced in your toddlers life. They’re freaking annoying. They get loud, they get wild, and they always seem to happen when we’re in a rush.

As annoying as tantrums can be, the goal is NEVER to stop them. Instead, we want to learn how to handle toddler tantrums. 

In order to really understand that, I think it’s important to first learn what exactly IS a tantrum. 

What is a tantrum?

A tantrum or “temper tantrum” is an outburst of frustration or anger. 

They’re a completely normal stage in your toddlers development and usually start around 18 months of age (My 19 month old is rolling them out full force).

Tantrums can be physical, verbal or even both. It’s common for hitting, biting, kicking, screaming & them throwing themselves on the ground to all happen during tantrums.

Which is why it’s good to express boundaries with your toddler. We want them to fully express what they’re feeling, but we don’t want the physical part to stick around. 

A simple boundary during a tantrum can look something like, “I understand you are feeling angry, but it is not okay to hit anyone.”

This may not work at first, since they’re so young and still learning what our words & opinions mean. But, like all things in parenthood, consistency is KEY

Why you should handle toddler tantrums, instead of stopping them.

Stopping a toddler tantrum instead of letting them play out makes it harder for your toddler to connect with and recognize their feelings. Yeah, stopping them may be better for you, because who wants to hear that terrible scream multiple times a day. 

BUT developmentally, it’s important for your toddler to feel and express their anger from start to finish. 

Not stopping a tantrum will help your toddler be able to recognize and properly express their emotions as they get older. 

Some things we do that help to limit tantrums

1. Get them some fresh air

2. Controlling our own emotions first

3. Staying firm & consistent

Reminder when handling toddler tantrums

Tantrums are not bad behavior. They are a way for your child to express emotion. 

When trying to figure out how to handle your toddlers tantrum, really think about how you react to your own frustrating situations. 

Trying to teach your toddler how to recognize and express their emotions will be a lot harder if you struggle to do the same. 

Take note of your toddlers tantrum triggers

Taking note of things that usually trigger a tantrum from your toddler will help you handle them when they happen.

For example, things that are 9 times out of 10 going to cause a tantrum from my toddler are:

  1. Leaving the park or library 
  2. Saying no to a snack before dinner

Knowing when a potential tantrum may come up will help you mentally (and sometimes physically) prepare and be more able to get them through it. 

HOW TO HANDLE TODDLER TANTRUMS

First, handle yourself.

If you’ve gotten this far, you know that a tantrum is just how your toddler tells you they’re angry since they don’t yet have the tools to just say it. 

Well, we all get angry. Imagine how many times a day you get frustrated, even if you held it in & didn’t let it show. Personally, there a plenty of times throughout the day that I’m ready to cuss someone out.

Do you want someone in your face telling you “it’s okay” when you’re having your own anger fit?

When your toddler starts their tantrum, immediately gather yourself. Don’t even approach them yet. Remind yourself that their moods are not an inconvience to us. No matter what we’re in the middle of. 

Deep breaths, calm your emotions, remember what exactly is going on. Once you’ve gotten your own emotions in line, you can start helping your toddler. 

Before you start trying to talk to your toddler, remember that they’re having a tantrum because they’re having a hard time forming words. 

Asking them questions at the peak of their tantrum would not be fair to them & would only frustrate them more. 

Get on the floor and stay silent the first minute or so of the tantrum. Let them feel it while you think of what to say (more on this later). 

After a minute or 2, make eye contact & see where they are in their tantrum. 

Are they going to hear what you’re about to say? Are they quieting down a bit? 

If the answer to these 2 questions are no, then give them another minute.

You have to approach an angry toddler the same as you’d approach a bear. Strong on the outside, but terrfied on the inside. 

After a little bit of time passes, ask your toddler if they want help regulating. “Do you want a hug?” “Do you want to sit with me?” 

Toddler tantrums usually don’t last more than 3 or 4 minutes so at this point your toddler should be more willing to recieve help. If they’re not ready yet, hold position. 

When your toddler is ready, sit with them for a moment and go over what just happened.

Validating your toddlers feelings is just as important developmentally as letting them work through their tantrum.

In my house that looks a little something like this:

“Wow, those are a lot of feelings! I see you got really angry for a moment. Do you feel any better?”

Acknowledge the feeling/emotion they had so they can understand what it was and better communicate those feelings as they grow. Put into words what they were experiencing. Then stay firm.

“I know you want another snack but it’s almost dinner time and we have to save room in our bellies.”

“I would be angry too if I couldn’t have a snack before dinner…” Then take their mind off the moment.

“..But, dinner is almost ready and right after you eat, you can pick your snack.”

Staying firm and consistent instead of giving in is crucial to your toddlers development. If the answer is no, it stays no. 

Giving in to avoid a tantrum will teach them that they can scream to get whatever they want. Which ain’t happening over here.

Let them express their frustration, point it out & validate their feelings.

There are some things that we can do to avoid a toddler tantrum (on a regular day).

  1. Don’t let your toddler get hungry. Validate point for a tantrum since we all can get pretty hangry. 
  2. Letting them skip over naps. Only thing that’s crazier than a hangry toddler is an overtired toddler. 
  3. Overstimulating your toddler. Sometimes, regular noises are too loud or the socks they’re wearing that day feel too much like.. socks. IF you can avoid your toddler getting overstimulated, you can limit a tantrum or 2 that day.  

If there is only one thing you take away from this post, let it be that there is no ONE specific way to handle toddler tantrums. There is no right method.

Not every tantrum will be the same so not every tantrum should be handled the same. 

Dealing with tantrums, especially when they happen often, can be mentally, emotionally, and physcially exhausting. 

READ MORE: How To Maintain Your Mental Health

It becomes more and more difficult to handle toddler tantrums when your head is clouded, you’re irritable from the constant screaming, and especailly if you’re home with your kids all day & barely get a break. 

Take care of you, so you can take care of them. 

Hope this helps momma!